Brew Day

Last night, I started my favorite hobby right now. I brewed a Double American Brown Ale and an American Pale Ale. Brewing beer is a lengthy process, involving cleaning, boiling, temperature control, and lots and lots of waiting. I mean a lot of waiting. Which is tough for someone who has no patience like me. But the real problem in my house isn't the waiting, it isn't temperature control, it isn't the cleaning.

It is the smell.


I know what you're thinking. How could something that looks that delicious, and comes out tasting as good as my beer does, smell as bad as my family thinks it does? Quite frankly I don't know.

But I lit 6 candles in the kitchen last night to combat the smell. It didn't do any good. My sister walked in the door, and immediately screamed, "Oh no, he's brewing!!"

Yes, that's right. She screamed. Screamed. I can't figure it out. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am the one cooking the wort(unfermented beer), and I am the one drinking it. Maybe that's why the smell isn't offensive to me. I can't figure it out.

Because unlike my family, I think it smells delicious. Not only does it smell delicious, it tastes delicious. Despite its roiling brown color, and having a consistency between crude oil and tar, Wort is a sweet substance, very sugary. You can smell the different ingredients wafting through the air, knowing that in just a few short weeks, you'll be able to bottle this magical brew, and a few short weeks after that, you'll be able to drink it.

Bottling is actually not all that fun, it's kind of like mowing the lawn. Except if you mess up and overcarb your beer, it explodes. Kind of like missing a pile of dog dirt. It makes a mess, and gets all over you.

But then you get to drink your brew. And let me tell you, no beer will ever taste better than one you have made yourself. Sure it's just beer. And it may not even be good beer. Objectively, I can taste my beer and list 100 things I could do to make it better. So you try to do those things the next time, and you do make it better. But each and every beer you drink that you have made? The satisfaction of drinking a fine homebrew is something only homebrewers will know. Because It tastes delicious.

So, if I can encourage you to take any advice from me(besides Maverick in the bathroom) it would be to give homebrewing a shot. But buy a candle or two, apparently it stinks.

And when in doubt?

Relax, Don't worry, Have a homebrew.

Christmas Is Coming

And yesterday, after an exhausting afternoon of decorating, I finally feel like I am in the spirit. Not only was I wearing a wool sweater while I decorated, but it was also freezing cold here in Pennsylvania. And decorate I did. I put up all kinds of stuff. My main accomplishment was putting candles in the upstairs windows.



Now despite the rest of my family just laying around while I slaved away, putting candles in all 3 of the upstairs windows, somehow, our house looks ready for Christmas. My Mom chipped in a little bit, decorating the entire downstairs of the house. Sure that involved placing almost 100 Santas, a tree decorated with lights and balls in our new bay window, and decorating our doorway with wreaths, garland and more Christmas balls.

But it wouldn't all be tied together without those 3 candles upstairs. Just sayin.


Basically our house looks like this. But would it look as good without those top floor windows lit up? I don't think so.

The only thing left to make it feel like Christmas is Christmas shopping. And I don't know if I'm ready for that quite yet. I've been out on Black Fridays before, mostly for the people watching, not for the deals. And though I have seen some crazy scenes on Black Friday:

I've only participated in the shopping aspect once. And I have to believe that it only gets worse the longer you wait to buy presents.

Plus I have to think of something for a 22 year old and 14 year old sister. Which is tough. And a 24 year old girlfriend.

I know how to cook dinner. I know how take a girl out. I know that I see every Harry Potter movie with my little sister Emily first, even if she does try to feed me candle wax and toothpaste. But one thing I can't do? Choose a present for a girl.

So if anyone out there reading this has any ideas.

Help.

Quotes

I think it is time for a motivational quotes thread. I feel like with the past couple weeks worth of posts, you have gotten to know what I like to do, who I like to it with, and how I have prepared for various apocolyptic scenarios. Now here are some of the quotes that have gotten me to that point. Some of them haven't really inspired me at all, I just think they sound pretty badass.


The will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital.
Joe Paterno


I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
Winston Churchill


If you tell people where to go, but not how to get there, you'll be amazed at the results.
George S. Patton


Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.
John Wayne


Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more, you should never wish to do less.
Robert E. Lee


In every battle there comes a time when both sides consider themselves beaten, then he who continues the attack wins.
Ulysses S. Grant


I have no misgivings about, nor lack of confindence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter.


But, my dear sirs, when peace does come, you may call on me for any thing. Then will I share with you the last cracker, and watch with you to shield your homes and families against danger from every quarter.
William Tecumseh Sherman

Saturday/Sunday

So this past weekend, A and I went to one of my favorite places as a child. The Philadelphia Academy of Natural Sciences. A wonderful place, filled with mummies, animals, and of course, DINOSAURS. Namely the T-Rex I desperately wanted to see alive as a child.

In my memory, it was somewhere between the size of a jumbo jet and a skyscraper. Sadly, it was not nearly as big as I recalled. I could actually reach up and touch the bottom jaw. Now keep in mind, I'm probably twice as big, if not bigger, than the last time I saw this giant beast.

But I still got a huge kick out of this museum.  The dinosaurs alone fascinate me. A and I looked at every single skeleton in the place. Herbivore, carnivores, big, small, we looked at them all. We even saw two paleontologists carefully taking the protective plaster off of fresh fossils. And they were listening to "Gimme Two Steps", by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

The rest of the museum was filled with things that fascinate the 4 year old boy that I still am. Stuffed creatures from all over the globe. A mummy. I'm not one for dead bodies, but for some reason, that Egyptian priest fascinated me.

I mean, check him out? How cool is that. 2800 years after you die, people still get to see you and know your name, what you did, your role in society. I know Egyptians were fascinated with death, and mummified their remains so their ka would have somewhere to reside. Well this guy is probably as close as any Egyptian will get to being immortal.

Finally winding down our trip through this palace of learning, we took the required visit to the gift shop. I was convinced not to buy a lollipop with a cricket inside it, although looking back, I should have bought it and saved it until after I left A's company. I just don't think girls will ever understand a boy's fascination with bugs. And eating them. And i already told you this place brought out my inner 4 year old, so it isn't that much of a stretch to imagine me wanting to eat a bug.

I guess what I'm saying is if you live in Philly and have a free day, it is totally worth the trip to the Academy. And say hello to the T-Rex and mummy for me.

Important Issues

Important issues are not something I typically discuss on this blog. I think the most important thing I have discussed here was political commercials. Or was it Bulgarian cheese? I don't know, I don't really remember all that well.

This is apparently what Google thinks is an important issue.

Anyway, I'm here to tell you that trend isn't about to change.  Which is why today's topic will be about something fun and lighthearted.

Pizza.

Last night, my family and I ordered pizza from Dominos. It wasn't all that bad, especially since we had a coupon for buy one, get one free. It was about as good as could be expected, I suppose. I really have no complaints. By the way, if you are reading this, and reall just want some cheap pizza, the online order code for the Dominos coupon is EBE-BPP. just saying. It's for two large pizzas.

Anyway, normally when my family eats pizza, we make our own. It is a family affair, we all kick in and help make the pizza. Our pizza looks something like this.

Which makes Dominos, no matter how perfectly cooked, look something like this.

No offense Dominos, you just can't live up to the pizza we make at home.

Anyway, as good as the pizza was last night, I still couldn't help but wish for a little bit of homemade pizza. I guess you can't win em all.

So remember, if you want comedy, dating tips, or decorating advice(Tom Cruise in a bathroom), look somewhere else. For important issues, I'm your man.

Practical Jokes

Apparently my sisters think they can outsmart me. With food pranks. Me, fooled by a food prank? I think not. Let me explain to you the circumstances.

Prank 1
The Wax Ball Debacle

This is what my sisters tried to give me. As a white chocolate something? I don't really know what their plan was. But when Emily, who would normally withhold food from me even if I was dying, came running out into the hallway to give me a piece of candy, I knew something was up. Partly because the "piece of candy" looked, felt, and smelled like candle wax. Also, on the bottom, right angles were pressed into the wax from the candle holder. Nice try, but not smart enough girls.

Prank 2
The Oreo

Ahh, the Oreo. Last night, I heard Emily and Laura tried to trick me into eating the above Oreo.(It had Crest Nighttime toothpaste in it.) Now, keep in mind, I'm laying in my bed, doing nothing to bother them. The next series of pictures should explain what happened next pretty well.
 

I wasn't amused or fooled. If they want to fool me, they need to do a few things. First of all, they need to offer me food at times when they aren't trying to trick me. Lull me into a false sense of security.  Next, they need to not laugh when they try to fool. Coming in, barely holding back laghter while holding food is not a good way to start a prank.

And thirdly, they need to know what they started. I didn't want this war, I didn't start it. But, dear reader, I plan on finishing it.

They won't know what hit em,

Croissants and Cheese

This is what i had for breakfast on Sunday. Croissants filled with egg and Bulgarian cheese. I know what you're thinking and I'm way ahead of you.

This is what the cheese looks like. And the taste? It's salty, cheesy and overall very good, especially when cooked inside a croissant with egg.

Now you may be asking yourself, what is Phil doing eating Bulgarian cheese? Where is Bulgaria? What is Bulgaria?

Bulgaria is a former Eastern bloc country located north of Greece and Turkey. And my wonderful girlfriend A is from Bulgaria. Now, if you google image search Bulgarian women, this is what you get.

Why is she holding bullets? Who knows, I sure don't. If you read the travel guides, all she wants to do is drug you, beat you, rob you, and kill you. But more on that later. Thankfully, that isn't at all what my girlfriend looks like. Or acts like. She looks more like this.

In case you were wondering, A is the one in the middle. Duh. The best looking one of course. And she introduced me to the wonders of the croissant with Bulgarian cheese and eggs. But that isn't the only thing I've learned about Bulgaria and it's culture since I started dating her.

I've learned the being called a gypsy is apparently quite the insult in Bulgaria. I'm not really sure of the American equivalent. But I know it sure does tick Bulgarians off. I learned this watching the cultural documentary Borat with Alex, and hearing her laugh out loud as Borat politely asked a gypsy for her tears. She then told me about how insulting it is to be called a gypsy, which of course ended with me asking for her gypsy tears for the rest of the day.

I've also learned a lot from a good buddy of mine, Matt. He sent me a tourist preparation guide about Bulgaria, so I could prepare myself to meet A's parents. In a nutshell, this is what the tourist guide said.

"Everyone in Bulgaria belongs to the Bulgarian Church. And the Bulgarian mafia. And after dancing with you, and letting you buy them drinks at the local eatery, they will drug you, beat you, steal everything you own, and kill you."

Thankfully, this guide was wrong, as it turns out they will instead flirt with you, date you, and then introduce you to their culinary delicacies. I would say that the truth is much more fun in this instance, since I'll take and egg and cheese croissant over a savage beating any day.

And many thanks to A for letting me post her picture up here. And in case you were wondering what I look like?

That's me, in all my pride and glory. Comments about how lucky I am go below, and yes, that is, in my opinion, the most flattering picture of me that i feel like putting up here.